Friday, June 18, 2010

Hitting the wall {head on}

Hitting the wall ::
 In endurance sports, particularly cycling and running, hitting the wall or the bonk describes a condition caused by the depletion of glycogen stores in the liver and muscles, which manifests itself by precipitous fatigue and loss of energy.

I would liken my job as a mother to that of an athlete in an endurance sport. We do and run without stopping, sometimes grappling for the occasional handout of water or food. There is no baton to pass, this is a race we are to do ourselves. We are the maid, the cook, the teacher/trainer, launderer, chauffeur. We are expected and needed to have endless, boundless energy and to run this great race with smiling faces and right attitudes.  This week I have definitely hit the wall. 

I am depleted, I am fatigued, I have no energy and possibly on the verge of being depressed.

Put in perspective I do this to myself quite often. I have this super woman complex....in that I think I am superwoman. Which I am not. I cannot do all things nor make all people happy. Unfortunately I talk myself {quite often} into thinking I can and will. But I can't and don't.

Right now, from my perspective life looks more than overwhelming. Summer is filled to the brim with activities and functions both fun and stressful. And even though we've cut back on some activities, it is still full, leaving us little time for relaxation or family time. This is never what I want for summer vacation, and always what seems to happen!

We are also anticipating a move in August/September which has started to plague my brain. It's something we've prayed about for years, being closer to the church and being able to better serve where we feel called. But when I look around my small crowded house, even though I look forward to having more room, I am overwhelmed at what it is going to take to actually move! It's like one giant puzzle that isn't fitting in my mind. I suppose it's because change isn't always exciting to me as it should be. Of course there are tons of positives (like the house is bigger, closer to church,cheaper), but actually getting there is uncharted territory. I think about the days I will have to be moving and shuffling with Dave at work and me trying to both homeschool and move/rearrange life, and watch all 4 kids with tears because I don't know how I am going to do it all.

And most of those are insignificant, {like where will I fold my clothes with no folding counter? or where will we put all our shoes???} silly I know. But they are things I think about when I walk around here looking at all the stuff we have! There are other questions that are more significant, like where will we fit everyone, the shapes and sizes of rooms are different and mathematically things don't fit quite like they do here. We can fit beds, dressers and toys if some are upstairs and some are downstairs, but who goes where? What makes the most sense? I don't know.

Mostly we've become accustomed to life here. I will miss living near the ocean, in our first home, where all my littles have been born so far. And even though we don't fit in this house and really can't afford to live here at this point, it's been home for so long, it's hard to imagine us anywhere else, even if that somewhere else is a step up.

 So I lack the energy to do little else but make it from sun-up to sun-down. And I suppose that is okay for now. The laundry is piling up, the house is unraveling more and more each day, and Sunday we'll be heading to Awana camp which means tomorrow I have to pack up 5 people to survive a week away from home. Maybe the time away will help clear my head a little.

5 comments:

  1. Oh, Tia. You don't have to do it all. Cast all your cares and your burdens on HIM. Thinking and praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'll be praying for ya Tia! I'm sure it's a tough thing to think about moving, but just take it one step at a time. Cast everything on Him (be anxious of nothing...), and He will sustain you through it. Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  3. My sweet cousin, when I feel like that I turn to Psalm 62:5-8 and Psalm 121. I hope these bring strength to you as they have so often done to me! And I will be praying for you!
    With Love,
    R

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